10 Dynamite Job Interview Tips

So you’ve made it through the initial online form submission; the psychometric testing; the aptitude screening; the phone call, and the Assessment Centre? Congratulations. Now all that’s left is the final interview and that ‘dream’ job is yours. Unfortunately however this is the stage where many people crumble, which is why I’m going to share with you my top 10 dynamite tips for leaving that unique and unforgettable impression:

• Greet the interviewer with a fist pump to show that you are ‘down’, then immediately rip the sleeve from your suit jacket, chuckling: “I like to dress the way I operate in the office – seamlessly”. Brush some fake dirt off your exposed shoulder.

• Walk into the interview room and immediately fling all of the windows open, turn on the desk fan, and declare loudly: “Things are about to heat up!!” Pretend to sit down, but immediately recoil and yelp: “God, it’s already an inferno in here”.

• Interviewers love a candidate who can bring new skills to their organization. Dance your fingers along the desk and announce: “I am a great pianist……. or as some would say, a KEY player.” Chuckle, throw a sweet up into the air, and catch it in your mouth.

• When asked: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years’ time?” point your fingers like a pistol at the interviewer and yell: “You’re fired!” Blow away the smoke and tuck it back into your holster to complete the shotgun salute. 

• If asked the difficult question: “What salary are you expecting?” act out hitting a home run before responding: “is that a good enough ball park figure for you?” Complete a lap of the room, high-fiving everyone present on your way past.

• Employers like candidates to express potential weaknesses but don’t fall into their sneaky traps. If asked if there might be anything hampering your career progression reply: “No. Most see a glass ceiling, whereas I’m looking through a window of opportunity….” Breathe on this metaphorical window, then polish with a fake cloth.

• Mid-way through your interview flick open a switchblade knife and start chiseling the table. If the interviewer asks what you are doing, wink and say: “I’m cutting edge”.

• You will most likely be asked to tell the interviewer about a time when you showed endearing leadership qualities. Pin a war medal to your lapel, point at it, and say: “We lost a couple of great men…. and I’d rather not talk about it.” Shed a fake tear. 

• Employers now will peruse your social network profiles for any inappropriate activity. Subliminally drop buzzwords such as productive, dynamic, and innovative into your usually mundane tweets and status updates.

• Respond: “4 minutes; 10 seconds” when asked about your previous experience, before rhetorically finishing: “I’d say that’s a pretty good ‘track record’ wouldn’t you?” Stand on your seat, uncork a bottle of champagne, and spray it in the direction of the interviewer; thus concluding proceedings and securing your employment.